Congratulations Summer Interns of 2013… Grab a pen. Here are a few words of wisdom.

Congratulations, you made it. You are a 2013 Goldman Sachs Summer Analyst. You might feel like you just crossed the finish line. But the race hasn’t even started yet.

Most banks hire the majority of their 1st year Analysts from the intern pool. They’ve proven themselves. They’re likely to accept the offer.  And it saves HR a shitload of time and money.

Don’t worry if you don’t make the cut.  You ‘ve been vetted and hired by Goldman fucking Sachs.  Even if this is your last dance here,  there are plenty of Vineyard Vines wearing, New Canaan commuting,  Morgan Stanley name-dropping ‘rainmakers’ waiting to pick you up and dust you off.   Not making the cut at Goldman is like being traded by the Yankees. You’ll still probably make millions, but it’s just not the same.

So here are 20 tips to help you with your journey:

  1. If your boss smokes, smoke.
  2. If your boss is Indian or Pakistani, learn the rules of cricket.  He probably also smokes, so see #1.  But be careful, if he doesn’t, he’s a vegetarian yogi.
  3. Don’t wear Hermes ties, ever. You have to earn it.
  4. Buy a decent suit or 3, but no cuffed or pleated pants.  And don’t wear a tie unless you might have a meeting.  No one likes that kind of kiss-ass.
  5. Learn how to tie a double Windsor; just make sure the knot’s not too fat.
  6. Keep your shoes shiny, but don’t let anyone see you having your shoes shined.  You have to earn it.
  7. If you went to a decent boarding school, subtly find out if anyone who matters went to the same school.  Boom, he’s your rabbi.  At this point, no one cares about college credentials; it’s a given.
  8. As it relates to fellow interns, make no mistake about it – it’s war:
    1. Let’s be clear. It’s impossible to compete with female interns.  And it’s not cool.  So don’t bother trying.
    2. When a fellow intern leaves his desk, change his screen (or screens) to rolex.com, porsche.com, or morganstanley.com.
    3. Come up with dismissive nicknames for fellow interns (Chico, Bud Fox, Fredo, Bubba, etc.). Hope that it catches on.
    4. When a fellow intern leaves his computer unlocked at the end of the evening, change the signature on his Email settings.  Using white font, add any variety of obscene words.  No one will see it… except for IT and HR.

9. Don’t be too good to do the coffee runs.  It shows confidence.  Just don’t fuck it up.  If you can’t be trusted with coffee, how can you sell bonds or manage risk.

10. Call Bloomberg and have them give you a tutorial on functions.  It’s free.  And most EDs and above are still using functions and short cuts from 5+ years ago.  It’s an easy way to impress them.  And many of the Bloomberg girls are hot.

11. Leave a jacket on the back of your chair at all times. While you are at it, keep a tie in your drawer.  Zegna is a good choice.

12. Ask the secretary for the travel schedules of the senior members of your group for the week ahead.  She’s dumb enough to think you are being proactive.  But now you know when you can sleep in, hit the gym, or beat the traffic to Southampton.

13. Never tell racist jokes. Always repeat racist jokes in the proper company and be sure to credit ‘the other intern’ who told you.

14. Don’t offer to buy drinks when out with your seniors;  you can’t afford them and it won’t score any points.

15. Don’t brag about being a decent golfer. This should be a given.

16. Bang a (female) intern, and tell the Associates and above about it.  If they haven’t ever done it, they sure as hell always wanted to. They’ll respect you for it.  And you’ll always be the guy that banged her first, before she ends up marrying that dickhead PMD in Emerging Markets.  After all, Ray J is still famous.

17. An MDs jokes are always funny. Period. And if you are at the receiving end of a joke, you better laugh with it.  If you take yourself too seriously, no one else will.  This is Wall Street; there is no such thing as ‘bullying’.

18. Acknowledge the quotes from Caddyshack or Fletch, but don’t make any yourself.  You have to earn it.   And don’t initiate the fist bump that comes with ‘Charge it to the Underhills’.

19. This might be the most important one. It’s okay to make a mistake or ask a question. But don’t ever ask the same question or make the same mistake twice. If you do, just know that the world needs ditchdiggers too.

20. Don’t talk in the fucking elevators…  or at a bar.

*21. Follow @GSElevator on Twitter 

About these ads
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

151 Responses to Congratulations Summer Interns of 2013… Grab a pen. Here are a few words of wisdom.

  1. Greenwich says:

    Don’t use a Zegna tie in the UK, you’ll be laughed out of the room

  2. seagram says:

    most analyst’s pc background are grey, for some modeling purpose, so if you change the signature to white, it may still show up. make sure you change to the same color

  3. fin-ahhnce says:

    Or come to Mayfair and work in a family office like me and wear whatever the fuck you want while hanging out with people that have 9 zeroes attached to the end of their bank accounts.

    • Qy says:

      So which douchebag city are you from? Don’t be so hurt your friends back home laugh at you and refuse to hang out because you work at a family office, you know, it’s not your fault, some people simply just can’t make it.

      • Not Geographically Challenged says:

        Anyone who does not know where Mayfair is, lives in, and is probably a founder of, “douchebag city” . Not your fault. Education is poor in Douchebag.

      • wingtips says:

        We’re the closest step to heaven, not heaven itself, don’t forget that. And I agree with fin-ahnce, living in Mayfair and working for a FO is a better gig. And FYI, that is in London.

      • Awesome says:

        London, it’s a city in England. The Olympics were just held there, they have a queen, etc. Hopefully you’ve heard of it before.

        If you haven’t heard of Mayfair you aren’t in finance so stop pretending you’ve made it and go back to living vicariously through the internet.

      • BB says:

        Sooo, you are a lowly intern at said firm and are disparaging someone who is working well above your grade, is prob your age and infinitely bettah educated, in London, in the UK. I think the GS cache is losing ground in general, imploding with its own scandals and sense of entitlement.

      • yolo_tomasi says:

        dude. come on. you couldve googled mayfair before making that comment. -1

      • even less geographically challenged says:

        And for all those clearly confused above, England is Europe, part of the British isles. Google it Douchebags.

    • Bernie Madoff says:

      family office reps are failed wall street IB and trading people who did not make the cut their basically butlers or maids..

      • Ray says:

        Oh god, it’s they’re not their.

      • Hotblack Desiato says:

        “Oh god, it’s they’re not their.”

        Yep. Bernie’s was also a run-on sentence.

        I realize I’m just nit picking, but I can’t resist the urge to kick a man while he’s down.

      • Zaphod Beeblebrox says:

        Hotblack Desiato! Aren’t you temporarily dead for tax reasons? Well, welcome back.

      • Hotblack Desiato says:

        Good to hear from you, Zaphod. How’s the second head working out?

        I should be alive again soon, ready to rock out from orbit and plunge the control ship into the sun.

  4. Ellie says:

    I read your interview the other day. I liked your tweets that included the sexist and racist content, they were much more realistic. Certainly not politically correct, but life rarely is.

  5. Name says:

    This is fucking gross.

  6. Velouria says:

    The Underhills are from Fletch not Caddyshack.

    BOOM, assface.

  7. Seriously? says:

    LOL Double Windsor? putz

  8. Hedge fund client says:

    finance is over. you can earn just as much in technology, internet etc. I think the only people that take these stupid jobs or participate in these ridiculous rituals is to prove they are socially superior while wearing nice clothes.

    • GoStartAnotherGlobalFinancialMeltdown says:

      Finance is for moderately bright people that are too lazy to get a science or engineering degree in college. Easier to make money on the backs of their former classmates than make anything of any actual value.

      • Todd says:

        In response to “GoStartAnother…” – Do you really attribute such a concern (about “actual value”) to them? Or are you just judging them from the point of view of someone who works in a laboratory?

    • Todd says:

      Hedge fund client saying “finance is over” (?!) — Take a look at the bar graph right at the top of this infographic:
      http://www.billshrink.com/blog/8152/a-look-at-americas-billionaires/

  9. von says:

    #19. That’s Fletch, not Caddyshack, you billion dollar idiot.

  10. Dhalgren says:

    Asshole. Go someplace far away and die.

  11. shiv says:

    Now I know why this country sucks ass’s ass.

  12. Wallstreeter says:

    The only good advice on here is to get the Bloomberg tutorial. Jesus fucking christ, thanks in advance for fucking up the economy in 10 years because you’re too egomaniacal to question anything you or your cohorts do. Just get out of this industry right now, you’re embarassing.

  13. Pingback: Friday Links and a Happy Weekend to You. |

  14. Dumb gipos says:

    Ha- silly Brits, still believing that the ‘sun never sets’ on their now non-existent empire. Wake up snaggletooth, nobody gives a fuck about your shitty town or Mayfair for that matter.

  15. Vexboxx says:

    Secretaries are smarter than you think. They can sink your ass with a singular side-slung comment to the bosses. I’ve done it more than once.

    • Secretaries Rule says:

      Hell yes. I’ve also done it.

      And don’t give me your twenty-five page PowerPoint presentation to print 20 color copies five minutes before a meeting. You may find some spelling mistakes have crept in along the way.

      • Vexboxx says:

        Rule One of ANY Business: Don’t fuck with IT or the admins. They can and will make your life hell.

      • Fan William says:

        I don’t work with GS, but I did interview with another firm today and the secretaries seem like the nicest people ever. It’s 90 degrees here and seeing that I just came into the city, a passing secretary went out of her way to get me a bottle of water. Faith in humanity restored.

  16. wingtips says:

    I don’t know where South Hampton is, but I used to summer in Southampton…this article is littered with errors.

  17. John Wilkes says:

    The rumors are true. Punjabi Indians rule the roost at Goldman Sachs globally – so you had better get acquainted with the Punjabi Mafia.

  18. A Female GS Intern says:

    “8.A. Let’s be clear. It’s impossible to compete with female interns. And it’s not cool. So don’t bother trying.”

    Is this supposed to be a chivalry thing? Are women assumed to be superior interns? I’m genuinely confused here.

    • gselevator says:

      no. they get hired for looks. the office beautification project. there’s no competing with that. so no intern should view them as competitors, bc they cant compete on that level.

      a female intern competes against herself. If she is good looking, and competent, she has the job- irrespective of what anyone else has going on..

      • i says:

        You are a ridiculously backward thinking and sexists person! Wow! I pity anyone who’s going to have to work with you, let alone go out with or marry you!

      • A Female GS Intern says:

        You’re a sexist dunce. Also, a fake, but that’s beside the point.

      • horatius says:

        Are you a college republican?

        The bowtie-wearing-smug-prickery oozes off your blog. .

      • thefactsofcorporatelife says:

        i completely agree with you
        In any case, if there are 2 guys and 1 girl in a team, there isn’t a single thing that can happen to get the girl fired, no matter how incompetent she is.

    • BB says:

      That’s the point you choose to comment/register confusion over? How about 16? Females in the service of advancement in a male dominated corp… pathetic. So smart and yet not.

      • A Female GS Intern says:

        That one made me angry, and then just exasperated. I chose to file it away in the stupid-shit-I’m-going-to-ignore drawer.

      • whatevertwinkiesyourtickle says:

        Ha ha ha! This is all too funny! You keep a drawer you put stupid shit in? LMFAO!

  19. I enjoyed this post. Well I don’t wish to know where Mayfair is but this post has certainly made me laugh. Thank you
    http://peculiarblend.wordpress.com/

  20. Paul W says:

    I think it’s tragic that people take this seriously. Granted, some of the stereotypes are accurate; just last week, I witnessed a bunch of guys take an analyst out to “lose his Hermes virginity”. This level of vanity is found at the proverbial denominator and, at least in the UK, is looked down on as lacking in taste. The people who are going to make it have nothing to prove.

  21. Ronny I. says:

    I think you had Lacey Underalls on the brain when you screwed up the Caddyshack joke.

  22. HaveFunDyingLonely says:

    It must be neat working or dreaming of a job where everyone on earth despises you. Enjoy your well-funded sorrow.

  23. Greatstuff says:

    I don’t care what your “station in life” is. If you are a man and you knowingly and purposely wear a $200 necktie, you’re a bitch. Plain and simple.

    • Todd says:

      Lemme guess – it’s gotta be $600 to meet your standards, right?

      • Greatstuff says:

        No. It’s got to be on sale somewhere, because — thinking men are women and give two fucks about “last season” (or actually because apparently bitches mentioned in this article are) — you never should have to spend more than $30 for a decent god damn necktie. And if you do, you’re a bitchyboy who has fallen for some really sad shit.

  24. H. Tanaka says:

    (偽造でなければ)お下品です。だから、こういう企業内不道徳雰囲気によってGSの上幹部がSEC法違反だらけで連邦刑務所行き奴が多いはずだ。

    • Joe says:

      言った通りだけど。。。なぜこのサイトに日本語でコメントを書くのか。みんなは白人だろう。w
      (白人より)

  25. Pingback: The Rules to Being a Goldman Sachs Intern | The Interrobang

  26. Pingback: ‘Coin a dismissive name for another intern, hope it catches on’: GS Elevator offers advice for aspiring Wall Street analysts | Pack 6 – Palo Alto

  27. James says:

    Reading this makes me so happy I never became a self-important douchebag banker. They really think they’re something, don’t they? LOL. It used to intrigue me when I was younger thankfully I went into a creative field, produce things and became a multimillionaire at 28.

    • Maximilien Robespierre says:

      let me guess, you made you millions by making a superficial web app that is inherently derivative and permutative, and only worked because the mass audience has a substandard technical competence, and simply doesn’t know any better? SV sociopaths envy finance socipaths because they can earn more money with even less skill.

    • Uh huh. And now you spend your time reading idiot blogs and posting comments. We’re proud of you.

  28. Maximilien Robespierre says:

    Can every commentator leave their personal information in the this thread? It will be so much easier for the neo-Jacobins to find and behead you when the Revolution comes.. you know when the whole sector inevitability fucks up again and there’ll be no discount window to save all the sociopaths and the remoras suctioned to their bellies.

  29. J says:

    I cant’ see how this is real. How are you writing these long posts so often….as an analyst? Ask some of your friends at Lazard if they have time to be lollygagging online. Also, why are you bragging about your wallet. If you are indeed an analyst, you are *maybe* pulling in 150. Hardly enough to live well in NYC. But, but the looks of your posts, I am sure you a dashing pale, balding, overweight eye sore so you’ve got that going for you, which is nice.

    • Maximilien Robespierre says:

      Hey dumbass, did it occur to you that maybe the author used to be an analyst and has moved on in his career?

      • J says:

        yes, douche. But even then, the author is still speaking from an analyst’s perspective. An analyst has no real insight into how these firms operate. They are doing excel sheets and presentations till 4:00 a.m. But, this blog is written as if he is some GS big shot who has real power.

      • Maximilien Robespierre says:

        two points. a) your reply to my post totally contradicts your original post. b) b “douche” along with “hipster” are words that have been rendered meaningless. Both points reinforce the notion that you’re a dumbass.

      • J says:

        WP won’t let me reply down there, but this should do.

        Well, my post doesn’t contradict my original. IF this guy is an analyst (which he is probably not) he is in a lowly position at GS, BUT the (fake) pretentiousness of this blog is intended to make it seem that he is a higher up. Meanwhile, the GearPatrol/Uncrate gift ideas and the cliche clothing suggestions all ooze overcompensation.

        That was so hard, I am mentally taxed right now.

        looool, and when did you issue the final verdict on the meaning of words? But no no, you’re right, “dumbass” is so substantive.

        btw no need to respond, I’m not going to be on this site anytime soon

    • Bless you for keeping the Caddyshack vibe alive. Nice touch at the end, there.

  30. dougom says:

    Seriously, people *want* to live like this? Wow. I’d rather work at Initech and fill out TPS reports.

  31. berian says:

    If I am G_A_Y? Should I f**k someone also to be cool?

  32. Bob Dow says:

    I would like to forward this to my daughter who was a GS intern (in IB and invited back) but I am old and don’t use twitter or Facebook. Any suggestions as to how to email it to her?

  33. Georgina says:

    Seems like a lot of people reading this have had a sense of humour bypass, or don’t understand what banter is…

  34. WelshWarrior says:

    I actually found the comments more amusing than the blog

  35. Pingback: Goldman Sachs: GS Elevator offers advice for aspiring Wall Street analysts | Pack 6 – Palo Alto

  36. Pingback: Wall Street insider’s advice for interns: Sleep with your female colleagues, then brag about itWinToMac | WinToMac

  37. Pingback: Never Yet Melted » Advice for Goldman Interns

  38. young jeezy says:

    if this is the kind of integrity we breed into the young overconfident punks that we allow to toy with all of our 401k’s, I cannot wait for the time we start putting these losers, and their bosses in jail.

  39. ShaunN says:

    Hm. Well, this just helps to confirm the general view that most people working on Wall St. (and Goldman Sachs in particular) are useless, parasitical scum. Thanks for feeding that perception.

  40. B-Slow says:

    21. Kill yourself.

  41. Pingback: Wall Streeter's Advice Includes Sleeping With Interns And Telling Racist Jokes

  42. Sak says:

    The butt-hurtedness of this thread is hilarious. Employees AND non-employees of GS alike. To the employees, seriously, fuck off. You landed a high paying job, isn’t the point to enjoy the fruits of your labor (or lack thereof)? Stop feeding the trolls! Sure you got hired because your a smokeshow blonde, but no need to dwell on it. To the 99%, the granola eaters and hippies, you’re never going to live in a world where you represent the majority. So take off your hemp-hoodie, buy a suit, and go on some interviews outside of coffee houses.

  43. stevespiros says:

    It’s ‘a pool or a pond’ mentality, really…pond would be good for me

  44. Pingback: » IT’S ALL HAPPENING! June 4 Medium Happy

  45. rp71 says:

    Just brilliant.
    Why would anyone take this cynical, tongue-in-cheek post seriously?
    The writer is not racist or sexist. He is just holding up a mirror to the society and Wall Street as it is.

  46. GreedIsGuud says:

    B – When a fellow intern leaves his desk, change his screen to *edit* http://www.wallstreetplayboys.com *edit*
    Now that’s going to make him look like an arrogant prick

  47. larrison says:

    don’t talk at a bar? really?

  48. Pingback: Funny Friday | muses of the moment

  49. Tomz says:

    Funny post, but some of it is true

  50. schwartz says:

    why is there a rule not to talk at a bar?

  51. Jake says:

    If even a shred of this article’s info is legit, then thank you.

    I’m not an analyst nor do I have any chance of becoming one, but it is a real treat for someone to pull back the curtain and reveal the inner-workings of a fascinating, money-making machine like GS. Even more so when it’s funny as fucking hell.

    Subscribed to GSElevator via FB

  52. Pingback: You‘ve been vetted and hired by Goldman fucking Sachs - Marcus K. Reif

  53. @annieism says:

    Ahah, I loved this stuff! Great satire as always, @GSelevator, with just the right amount of plausible things to lead most people to believe you are being serious. And by the way I’m a feminist career woman (if that’s of anyone’s interest), but I can tell apart a sarcastic social comment from an actual douchebag rant.

  54. bankerjerk+ says:

    21. Make sure you kiss enoug VP and MD ass.(in case you are female, dont forget to suck their dick as well)

  55. Buttercup says:

    Don’t bang the female intern. Chances are she’ll find out, shrug her shoulders and say something like she forgot because your dick was too small and it lasted 3 seconds. You think she got to be a GS intern by gasping in horror at shit boys say? Bitch please, she’ll leave a bloody tampon in your drawer.

  56. Ifund says:

    In Luxembourg we don’t need that many rules. Made me laugh though, thanks.

  57. Pingback: instagram marketing bot

  58. When I originally left a comment I seem to have clicked on the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and from now on whenever a comment is added I recieve four
    emails with the same comment. There has to be an easy method you are able to remove me from that service?
    Thanks a lot!

  59. friedtoad says:

    What’s the dirt on the guy who got knuckle-lobotomized in Manhattan yesterday?

  60. Calvin says:

    You investment bankers intrigue me. Filth

  61. Elisabeth says:

    Good replies in return of this difficulty with genuine arguments and explaining all on
    the topic of that.

  62. Pingback: WALL STREET INTERNS: Here Are The 21 Rules For Getting Hired That No One Else Will Tell You | Todd99.com

  63. Pingback: WALL STREET INTERNS: Here Air T' 21 Rules Fer Gittin Hiret At No One Else Will Tell Y'all | Oklahoma Sentinal

  64. Pingback: WALL STREET INTERNS: Here Are The 21 Rules For Getting Hired That No One Else Will Tell You | Lord of the Net

  65. Pingback: WALL STREET INTERNS: Here Are The 21 Rules For Getting Hired That No One Else Will Tell You | CareerAdvisorDaily

  66. Pingback: WALL STREET INTERNS: Here Are The 21 Rules For Getting Hired That No One Else Will Tell You | Business Insider Australia

  67. Pingback: WALL STREET INTERNS: Here Are The 21 Rules For Getting Hired That No One Else Will Tell You

  68. cornell.edu says:

    Yes! Finally something about and Definitely No Schedules!.

  69. Pingback: The Unauthorized Rules Of How To Dress At Goldman Sachs | Lord of the Net

  70. Pingback: The Unauthorised Rules Of How To Dress At Goldman Sachs | Business Insider Australia

  71. sup says:

    lol, idiots in an idiotic industry giving other wanna-be idiots trivial advice. learn to create value, not shuffle it around.

  72. Pingback: The Unauthorized Rules Of How To Dress At Goldman Sachs | Leon Burks, Jr.: Modern Entrepreneur / Gentleman

  73. David says:

    I like how suggesting that women get jobs because of sex appeal sometimes is now considered sexist.

  74. Are you wanting some calming sofas or chairs that you can lounge in outdoors onn your
    day off. Oahu is the many tough hwrd wood, and quite a few individuals choose teak patio furniture.
    Many consumers today aare veery computer savvy to get on
    the Internet and browse for outdoor furnifure choices.

  75. pincess says:

    The advises you are offering is great , but i’d hope you would also write the dressing code in the office about females , and tell us how to be successful get a job opportunity as a female , i am going through a hard time find a job i like , i don’t want to be end up into doing something i hate every minute of it but still have to just to get my bills to be paid ..but some part of it i am not quite agree with you , like sabotage a another intern , what if you got caught on the spot , and i would never do such a thing unless that guy did something wrong to me .why not focus on doing well rather than take time to play dirty

  76. Pingback: Suit up….this is gonna be legend…wait for it…ary | Sashidhar Kokku

  77. M says:

    Where’s respect, ethics, and integrity?

  78. varunbhanot1 says:

    Love your blog posts. I have written about working in New York and London in an investment bank. Follow back!
    http://www.varunbhanot.com

  79. Pingback: The Unauthorised Rules Of How To Dress At Goldman Sachs | JoeMJ

  80. Congrats! I can’t express how important internships are and why every single student should consider at least 2 internships during their undergraduate years.

    Congrats again summer interns!

  81. Internships at any company is still very valuable. If you don’t want to intern at GS, then find somewhere else that suits you.

  82. Pingback: The Unauthorized Rules Of How To Dress At Goldman Sachs | TRUE LOVE SWALLOWS

  83. Disgusted says:

    Sleep with a female intern and tell everyone else about it in order to get hired? And then later brag you were the first to bang her, as if she’s a commodity? Seriously?

  84. M.L. says:

    Hi GS Elevator,
    As an incoming female GS analyst, got any tips? Along the lines of this or of your article on how to dress for men – I would love to know how the guys in the office are judging me and other women based on external indicators like those.

  85. Reblogged this on japaneseladydoll and commented:
    A must!

  86. Great, thanks for sharing this blog post great blog, interesting postings

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s