How To Be A F%#king Man…

We’ve all seen and perhaps grown tired of guides and lists that are ripe with tedious clichés and full of humdrum regurgitated meme wisdom. For that very reason, in collaboration with CNBC’s John Carney (@Carney) here is a fresh and hopefully thoughtful look at what it means to be a man today.

  • Stop talking about where you went to college.
  • Always carry cash.  Keep some in your front pocket.
  • Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.
  • It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.
  • If you are handling a small white baggy in a bathroom stall, face away from an open toilet. (This was censored from the original article)
  • The best public restrooms are in hotels: The St. Regis in New York, Claridge’s in London, The Fullerton in Singapore, to name a few.
  • Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.
  • You will regret your tattoos.
  • Never date an ex of your friend.
  • Join Twitter; become your own curator of information.
  • If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
  • Time is too short to do your own laundry.
  • When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
  • If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt.
  • You don’t have to like baseball, but you should understand the concept of what a pitcher’s ERA means.  Approach life similarly.
  • When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go.
 And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
  • People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
  • When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
  • Tip more than you should.
  • You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.
  • Buy expensive sunglasses.  Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.
  • If you want a nice umbrella, bring a sh*tty one to church.
  • Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.
  • Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend.  Leave Rusty and Junior at home.
  • Be a regular at more than one bar.
  • Act like you’ve been there before.  It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.
  • A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.
  • It’s better if old men cut your hair.  Ask for Sammy at the Mandarin Oriental Barbershop in Hong Kong.  He can share his experiences of the Japanese occupation, or just give you a copy of Playboy.
  • Learn how to fly-fish.
  • No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.
  • Own a handcrafted shotgun.  It’s a beautiful thing.
  • There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.
  • You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.
  • Ask for a salad instead of fries.
  • Don’t split a check.
  • Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.
  • Cobblers will save your shoes. So will shoe trees.
  • When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
  • The cliché is that having money is about not wasting time. But in reality, money is about facilitating spontaneity.
  • Be spontaneous.
  • Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.
  • Piercings are liabilities in fights.
  • Do not use an electric razor.
  • Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
  • Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
  • One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.
  • #StopItWithTheHashtags
  • Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer.
  • Throw parties. 
But have someone else clean up the next day.
  • You may only request one song from the DJ.
  • Measure yourself only against your previous self.
  • Take more pictures.  With a camera.
  • Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.
  • When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them. 
And spend money to acquire their work.
  • Your clothes do not match. They go together.
  • Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.
  • Staying angry is a waste of energy.
  • Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
  • If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.
  • Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
  • Avoid that “last” whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.
  • Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life. There may still be a mortally wounded Russian mobster roaming the woods of south Jersey, but we’ll never know.
  • If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.
  • Drink outdoors.
And during the day.
And sometimes by yourself.
  • Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
  • If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
  • You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
  • Feigning unpretentiousness is worse than being pretentious. Cut it out with the vintage Polo and that ’83 Wagoneer in Nantucket.
  • The New Yorker is not high-brow. Neither is The Economist.
  • If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
  • No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
  • Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
  • Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
  • Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party – provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading…”
  • Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.
  • Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.
  • Don’t ever say, “it is what it is.”
  • Start a wine collection for your kids when they are born.  Add a few cases every year without telling them.  It’ll make a phenomenal gift in twenty years.
  • Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off.
  • Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”

John LeFevre is the creator of the @GSElevator Twitter feed and the author of the soon-to-be-released Straight To Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, and Billion-Dollar Deals.

 

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93 Responses to How To Be A F%#king Man…

  1. A says:

    You misspelled “Hashtags”. Other than that and the slight push towards alcoholism, it’s a great guide :)

    • twzombek says:

      As a recovering alcoholic, I do understand the preoccupation with booze in our culture, but I can’t help but feel slightly emasculated that I can no longer enjoy a whiskey rocks from an Adirondack chair on a nice crisp day.
      I suppose there is solace to be taken in that I do this by CHOICE, though.

      • As someone who is not an alcoholic but completely dry by choice: Bollocks. There’s nothing manly about drinking poison, even socially, and there’s jack all emasculating about choosing not to.

        Anyone who would judge you “unmanly” for choosing not to drink (whatever your reason) is beneath you.

      • mickey says:

        Alcoholism and slutting around.
        And the link to undershirts to how to dress is for consummate douche-bags.
        And If you don’t believe in evolution you don’t know anything.

      • Robert DelSole says:

        I will say this. As someone who also doesn’t drink by choice i still have a great time at the bar with my buddy’s drinking my glass of Pepsi. A good bar is better when sober than when drunk. Keep trying different bars till you find one.

      • twzombek says:

        That’s great to hear man. I’m still readjusting to life without a drink in my hand…what I miss most is how much of a social “leader” a good buzz made me, i.e. being totally comfortable leading discussion and introduction among strangers and friends alike. I am finding my groove again, though. Thanks for the tip!

    • newtrepmedia says:

      Just a great blog. Period.

  2. A couple of things. Hookers are cool but sex workers are. Agreed, always carry cash – since when did we become like the plastic we carry? As an introverted extrovert, I love sitting at the bar to eat and have met some fascinating people – though to do this anywhere other than the US people look at you a little strangely. Lastly, yes, court the girl. The “drinks thing” will get you nowhere but to a clinic.

  3. lupitatucker says:

    If only there was a female version of this list. Desperately needed these days.

    • jay sebastian says:

      Yes!

    • jay sebastian says:

      Call me. :)

    • The Bad Kitty says:

      Asked…and answered. Follow ROAR…The Bad Kitty on Twitter at @RoarBadKitty. Blog coming soon

    • Johnnyoh says:

      Yes, that would be awesome. Imagine the possibilities if men and women actually understood ourselves, and each other, instead of just winging it…….

      • mickey says:

        Yes, because a one size fits all list for human behavior will be SOOOO useful.
        With brilliant sayings such as “If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.”
        So, you shouldn’t believe in evolution? Or you should know something about everything you believe in? Like modern medicine? Physics? High order mathematics?

        No. It’s a pithy little quote from an idiot. I believe in air. It doesn’t mean I have to know something about it. What he should have written is if you believe in the Bible you should know something about it. Like it promotes slavery. The raping of women. Stoning to death of women. The purchase of unmarried women by their rapists. So many horrifying things that people don’t know yet claim to follow.

      • Armando says:

        “Or you should know something about everything you believe in?”

        Isn’t that kind of a given?

  4. Reblogged this on The Kinky Courtesan and commented:
    I would love to hear your thoughts my friends…..I thought this had some great points that don’t necessarily just apply to men..

  5. dcharb says:

    Ride the bus because you want to, not because you have to.

  6. Dolan says:

    garbage. this isn’t about being a man. this is about being an object that collects things and try’s to impress sheep.

    Real men don’t give a fuck about what people think and do what they wish.

  7. Jonny says:

    Excellent guide to achieving Groucho Marx’s recommendation: “Sincerity is everything, once you can fake sincerity the world is your oyster”

  8. Di says:

    If you are over 30 and still needs a guide to be a man, please, DON’T KISS THE GIRL

  9. Scott says:

    This is “How to be a Shallow, Empty, Cartoon Character” not How To Be A Man. A group of frat boys decided to write a post, how exciting… and I’m sure all the other players will love this as well…

    At least you did great with the link-baiting headline…

  10. Website Commenter says:

    how to be a F@#king man: join twitter? *close*

  11. tony smith says:

    How to be a heterosexual man who annoys women who want to spend a quiet night alone.

  12. tjpierson84 says:

    A list of 50+ guidelines without one about kids, spouse, or parents makes this a list of “how to be a fucking bro”.

  13. Brent T says:

    “Understand and regularly apply the term “monetization”
    i.e. … go get a creative commons license and make this into a poster STAT.

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  15. BS says:

    How to be a douchebag that works at GS sounds about right.

  16. willray145 says:

    Who knew that the young Masters of the Universe had the time to catalogue the belts, socks, pants and shoes of their co-workers while knee deep in yet another fascinating ROI calculation. Gag me! One glaring omission, what color panties should the modern in-the-know banker wear? Manhattan has bridges and tunnels that can be used to explore the real world, and there’s no charge to leave the island.

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  18. briangriffinpro says:

    Reblogged this on Brian Griffin and commented:
    Fresh Guidelines for a Fresh Generation… Drink up my and enjoy… And don’t forget to live!

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  21. cityLifeYOLO says:

    superb post

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  24. Awesome post! My favorite it “Measure yourself only against your previous self.”

  25. nomadmumu says:

    I’d be a lot happier with your list if it was shorter and less specific.

  26. Wino says:

    The wine one is a terrible idea. Most wine won’t last that long. You have to be very careful about what you buy and expect to loose a lot of it.

  27. Eliza Qwghlm says:

    “The St. Regis in New York, Claridge’s in London, The Fullerton in Singapore…”

    “…the Mandarin Oriental Barbershop in Hong Kong. ”

    “Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.”

    Quite.

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  29. xylothek says:

    Many pretty women who are unaccompanied wish you would leave them the hell alone, bro.

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  32. Andy says:

    Join Twitter? Buy expensive sunglasses? Ask for a salad? Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer?
    Wow, I can’t tell if John Wayne or Lee Marvin wrote this list.

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  35. Own a shotgun? Really?

  36. Jimmy Cracks Capricorns says:

    If you need a list of bullshit from a cunt with a dick, you’ve already lost.

  37. chzwizboy says:

    Add one more. In most business, a fast no is better than a slow yes.

  38. DreamResident says:

    If you have to read list on how to be a man, then you are not one (and likely never will be).

  39. Mr David R G Parker says:

    If you spend as much time in bars as this blog suggests, you’ll need a lot more than just 50 push-ups, 50 sit-ups and 50 dips on a morning to maintain a good standard of fitness into your 30s.

    A man should have healthy, sober hobbies, such as playing a sport, going to the gym or bootcamps or developing a cultural interest, like art or film. Preferably all 3.

    Bars are for the socially desperate and you should never find yourself alone at one.

  40. Nice post. Society has pussified men.

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  43. Ed Rooney says:

    This should be re-titled “How To Be A F%#king Man in the Pansy Northeast”

    Most REAL men have one tie that is perpetually knotted, only worn for weddings and funerals (and only some of them). They have a hand-me-down Remington from Sears that their father taught them to shoot and don’t really care where the nice public restrooms can be found. They can explain an ERA because they coached their son and most likely played ball themselves.

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  52. chahilureuben says:

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    Finaly an educated post

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