The gym

The ‘Freshman 15’ is also known to be as prevalent in banking as it is for college girls.   It certainly was the case for me.  100 hour work weeks.  Breakfast from Starbucks.  Lunch from Pret at my desk.  Dinner at my desk.  8pm would be the perfect time to go to the gym.  But, it’s too risky.  Any Associate or ED might call in just to see who is still on the floor, or to legitimately make changes to presentations.  And God forbid I’m at the gym and one of my fellow analysts answers the phone.  Beep.  Beep.  Under the fucking bus.  I should know.  I’m the Keanu Reeves of my analyst class.

It’s not only the job that has contributed to my rapid weight gain.  For the first time in my life, I don’t have to rely on my parents for money.  That means whenever I’m not eating at my desk, I’m eating out – and never going lower than any Zagat Top 10 category.

Work.  Drink.  Eat.  Drink.  Pass Out.  Repeat.

I’m 19th century sexy – pale skin and a fat ass, and fortunately, a fatter wallet.

Translation: I have gained 30 pounds in my first 4 months as an analyst.

But, it’s time to get back into shape.  We’re heading into holiday season, which means if I am not careful, I can easily gain another 10 pounds before the year is out.  Thankfully, it also means capital market activity is slowing down, evaluations are done, and the face-time wardens have loosened the leash.

So instead of sneaking out for a few drinks with the other analysts, I decide to head to the gym.

iPods have not been invented yet, so I’m still rocking the Sony portable CD player.

Of course, it’s been so long since I was last at the gym that my AA batteries are dead. There is no way that I can sit on a treadmill for any meaningful length of time without some kind of music to fire me up.  And there is no way I can cope with the Enya shit they are playing over the gym speakers.  But that does give me an idea.

I take my Napster-produced CD mix up to the check-in counter, and ask the cockney fag with the Beckham faux-hawk to put it on for me.  It takes a little bit of convincing, but the gym isn’t that crowded, so he reluctantly obliges.

“Cheers, Geezer.”

I head back to my machine, crank it up to a 7 minute mile pace, cover the clock up with my towel, and I’m off.  That’s pretty fast for an out-of-shape fast ass like me, but I’m optimistic that my music will kick in and give me the motivation I need to uncover the high school me – varsity soccer, squash, and golf. 

A few minutes goes by and no music. 5 minutes later, and still no music. I’m losing my mojo here. 

Meanwhile, a guy I think I vaguely know from HR walks in, nods at a couple of people he recognizes and then gets on the treadmill next to me.  He cranks it all the way up, and immediately starts marathoning like a Kenyan.  Literally.  This guy is blacker than Wesley Snipes after a vacation on the sun.

All of a sudden, my music finally kicks in – blasting throughout the entire gym.

Uhh! Ahhhhhh!
Come on, uhh, uhhh, huhhh
But they don’t hear me though

A few people look up, possibly pleasantly surprised, but probably not.

Uhh, but they don’t hear me though
Uhh, but they don’t… but they don’t

I got blood on my hands and there’s no remorse
I got blood on my dick cuz I fucked a corpse
I’m a nasty nigga, when u pass by me nigga look me in my eyes
Tell me to my fuckin face that u ready to die. 

U be a dead mutha fucka, red mutha fucka
Don’t be stupid, u heard what I said mutha fucka
Who shot u ohhh nigga like u don’t know
Stickin u for your doe, while I’m fuckin your broke ho

And then it carries on poetically from there.

It had really never occurred to me that the first song on my CD is one of DMX’s love ballads, and that it might not be everyone’s cup of tea.

Everyone literally stops what they are doing.  The entire gym comes to a complete halt.  Some people are just confused, clearly wondering if they are hearing what they think they are hearing.  Others are visibly offended.

No one says anything. Everyone just stares… not at me, but at the black guy next to me.  Stares slowly evolve into glares.

Disdain. Dismay. Disgust. 

Wesley Snipes, still in the zone, never notices a thing.  I was right; he must be in HR.

I look over at the cutish girl to my left, shrug my shoulders, nod toward Wesley Snipes and give her a look that says “Yeah. Can you believe this guy? What a dick.”

Racist motherfuckers.

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21 Responses to The gym

  1. @trader_doofy says:

    I agree. Feeling flat and chubby myself.

    Yours in corpulence,


  2. Priya says:

    The best thing I’ve read all week. I don’t even know.

  3. Anna Madsen says:

    Erotic capital, Wall Street and Alpha men. Check out my website for other Wall Street stories.

  4. Avi says:

    Finally, a post. And a good one at that. Cheers.

  5. pdwalker says:


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  7. You had me laughing and questioning – were you singing or how did you music make it out to the general gym? Sometimes I’m dense

  8. gnstr says:

    #dmx yeah he’s alrite

  9. This is so hilarious!!!!!!!! I fell off my chair! Lol! Great Read!!!!

  10. tonymakwell says:

    Excellent thanks! :)

  11. Tubesteak says:

    Could have been worse. Could have been Rage Against The Machine. I’m sure HR would be interested in your socialist tendencies. “not a team player”…..

  12. forex says:

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  13. twitterkilo says:

    Great story. And of course no one would say anything to him.

  14. FACE says:

    Haha (I don’t do acronyms) by the second line of lyric I was already imagining the reaction that the phrase “blood on my dick cause I fucked a corpse” would evoke from a room full of sweaty Brits. Well done, chap.

  15. shaun says:

    Laughed out loud while dropping a duece at work reading ‘the gym’. Couldnt keep it in. People now know who leaves the noon stank in the third floor bathroom.It was worth it.

  16. George Brown says:

    I was actually recommended this site by a friend. After reading the top two stories it only reaffirms my long-held belief that you Americans really are about as comically gifted as Putin. I mean seriously… this is ‘funny’? Tragically fucking cringeworthy more like!

  17. Lmao! That’s bad. Poor guy. All thanks to you and my nigga DMX!

  18. BootsHudson says:

    7 min pace after gaining 30 pounds, yeah right, ’cause you used run 5 min pace back when you weighed 125#

  19. javver says:

    It’s called a “Sony Discman”

  20. Shelley says:

    I’m thinking about taking prohormones, do you think this is good idea for advanced bodybuilder like me?
    People are satisfied with the results after prohormones cycles,
    just google for – 100% pure muscles without side effects – worth a

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